So I went into Ninefox Gambit determined not to write any trans people, because I thought, I do not have the energy to deal with this for a piece of entertainment fiction, and it spilled out onto the page anyway. I’ve attempted suicide more than once (I also have bipolar disorder, because what is life without complications) and writing about suicide is easier than writing about being trans. Writing about being trans feels like I’m being asked to slit my wrists onto the page for the entertainment of complete strangers. It was because I’m trans myself I identify as male. And this wasn’t because I hated trans people. I had decided for years that I hated writing trans characters and intended to do it as little as possible. I strongly disapprove of mass murder! (I hope that goes without saying, but you never know…) To be clear, I am not and have never been a soldier. I didn’t even realize that it had turned autobiographical until some time after one of the revised drafts. I didn’t reckon on it turning autobiographical. What I had in mind when I set this up was a fun if high-body-count story involving a long game of cat-and-mouse between two very different personalities. Rather, the complication is that Jedao is also a mass murderer, and she has to keep him from manipulating her or driving her insane while making use of his military advice. Jedao is a genius tactician, but that’s not the part that’s difficult for Cheris. What complicates matters is that Jedao is (a) a four-hundred-year-old ghost with no body of his own, so (b) he is stuck directly inside Cheris’s head. In Ninefox Gambit, Captain Kel Cheris (female) has to work with General Shuos Jedao (male) in order to retake a fortress captured by heretics.

Certainly, I didn’t expect to write about anything that would leave me feeling personally exposed. Nothing personal, right? Just another larger-than-life military space opera. When I set out to write Ninefox Gambit, I thought I was going to write something purely for fun, even though the setting was grimdark as all get-out: big space battles, nasty technomagical weapons, and a centuries-long plot against a horrible police state. Today, it’s is our pleasure to host Yoon Ha Lee with a deeply personal essay on writing Ninefox Gambit and being trans. Anyone can participate and we are welcoming emailed topic submissions from authors, bloggers, readers, and fans of all categories, age ranges, and subgenres beneath the speculative fiction umbrella. Our vision is to create a safe (moderated) space for thoughtful conversation about the genre, with a special focus on inclusivity and diversity in SFF.

SFF in Conversation is a new monthly feature on The Book Smugglers in which we invite guests to talk about a variety of topics important to speculative fiction fans, authors, and readers.

Ninefox Gambit by Yoon Ha Lee